The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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