I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
