well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Randomize
