Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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