He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
