the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
