She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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