Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
