U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
