It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
