did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
