My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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