So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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