my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
