He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
