saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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