I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
