Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
