just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
