At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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