It was confusing and full of hummus
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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