She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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