Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I love having hate sex.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
