It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
