either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
