it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
