If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
