I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
