Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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