Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
