What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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