Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Randomize
