Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
