you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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