he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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