Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
