Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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