hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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