I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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