Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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