The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
