I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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