she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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