I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
