omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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