I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
