a queef is a wish your heart makes.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
