i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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