You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
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New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
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Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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