why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
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So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
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Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize