then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
