He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
