please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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