I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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