to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Pants are for mortals
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
