Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
