You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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