I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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