im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
